|Wednesday, April 5th, 2006|
|People make me sick...
Fuck everything.. so ya, in past few weeks ive managed to: lose my job, lose my best friend to a sensless war. lose my gf for a dumb fucking reason, get hit by a car, get jumped, getting kicked out my house, owe the bank $520 and to top it all off i get an email my ex's friend that read something like im a worthless piece of shit because i said i thought i liked another girl. the friends name is Marie, a girl who would constantely sleep around with guys she barely knew behind her boyfriends back. wtf.. Current Mood: crazy
|Tuesday, October 25th, 2005|
I woke up this morning.. to remember that i am single yet again. Im not sad, not angry, or even lost. I know why this happend, and i know it isnt my fault. The last thing she needs right now is a relationship.. especially a long distance one. I just want her to be happy, thats all i ever wanted. She is always stressed out and always feeling sick. I wish she could get away from everything, including me. even just for a week or so. I love her so much.. she pretty much told me that she doesnt want a relationship until she gets out of school, and back home. two years from now. i can wait.. i want to wait.. but im not going to. no.. she wouldnt want that. instead, im going to take a break from relationships as well. and from the advice her friend Marie gave me.. I dont need anyone to make me feel special. I just have to be content with myself. And i will. I've told her before.. there isnt anyone on this earth i'd rather be with. and that stands true. so when two years have passed. I'll try again. but for now.. i need to get over her.. how do i do that? rebound mabye? no.. i couldnt be so cruel to do that again. she isnt happy right now.. and i think that talking to me isnt going to help her much. so im going to ask her if not talking for a while would help. i love talking to her.. but she may need this. i still love her very very much. at least we're friends now. she wants to stay close with me.. which is a good sign.. and also makes me happy. well.. i have to go to a meeting now.. so until next time.. this is organizm.. signing off... Current Mood: optimistic
|Wednesday, October 19th, 2005|
|What the hell is wrong with me?
Its Wednesday October 19, 2:34 am. Tonight.. I fucked up. I was talking to my girlfriend earlier, her friend Patrick had just left. She was telling me that she wanted to move in with him. I should have been fine with it.. but ive had other thoughts on my mind all day. Not to long ago my gf Tess asked me if i would break up with her if she went to Spain for a semester. Ofcourse not! but i got to thinking.. as i usually do.. what if she met some wonderful guy there. And i had a dream last night about that. In the dream Tess was hugging and kissing me goodbye and as she left i waved and smiled. She got to spain and met a guy. The guy was nice, handsome, and even looked intelligent. Before she left for home.. she ending up with him. And at the same spot where she was hugging and kissing me.. she was telling me about him. My heart sank as i woke up. I felt empty.. and alone. I also felt helpless.. that.. i couldnt do anything to keep that from happening.. and couldnt give her the things i wanted to give her so much. So began to contemplate.. and worry. So i snapped at her.. why joe.. so stupid.. i should have just told her.. but what would she think? that i dont trust her? i do trust her.. i trust her with all my heart.. but sometimes love happends.. and doesnt. I hope to god that i can stay with her for as long as humanly possible. I love her to death.. and even beyond that. Tonight i feel like im losing her.. like im doing to her what all the others have done. hurt her.. she doesnt deserve to be hurt. i want to be the one to change that. to heal all her wounds.. and to remove her scars.. i love her.. i love her so much.. i at times find myself thinking about how much i love her. If the doctor suddently told me that i was going to lose my complete memory.. and a matter of days. I would still be with her.. no regrets! ever second im with her.. is priceless.. there isnt anyone i'd rather be with. all my faith is in her. i trust her more than anyone ive ever trusted before.. even though im leaving myself open for hurt.. i really doubt that i'll be hurt. and even though i feel sorta better about letting all my feelings out.. i still am not going to get any sleep anytime soon.. even if i tried.. i still know that what i said.. hurt her.. but yes.. i deserve this.. for not telling her how i really felt.. so im going to sit here.. and wait for her.. Current Mood: awake
|Monday, October 17th, 2005|
|A few MB's of my mindspace..
Today is monday october 17, 2005. Today was a very nice day. Gloomy and wet. Just how i like it. ^_^ I went to work this morning as usuall. i keep telling them to schedual me during the night. they seem not to agree with me. oh well money is money yes? I got to take some good pictures today. which makes me happy. speaking of making me happy. Tess is at a french resturaunt with her friend Marie and her students. Cant wait for her any longer lol. so i have to settle my mind with music. HIM seems to be my choice list. and im drifting off.. into ideas on what to draw next.. i need to draw more often. i mean, i wasnt drawing at all before Tess came along. now im drawing more. even so.. i wish i would draw more. but.. since recently Photography has had its hold of me. i love it! inspired by Tess i bought myself i new camera. i cant stop taking pictures! wee! Current Mood: artistic
|Wednesday, September 28th, 2005|
I know i should be asleep right now, but how can i sleep? I had just got off the phone with her, and as she sleeps right now, i think of her. its still to early to tell.. but i feel that she is something special. the feeling is different for some reason. like its clear and i understand it. im not lost and im not unsure. it just feels right, like im doing something good for a change. i cant really explain.. not yet.. i cant only feel, for now. i love her, unconditionally.. and she is content. well.. i am sleepy.. just had to get my feelings out somewhere. so.. im not going to waste this sleepiness.. and head off to sleep.. Current Mood: mmm.. dreams..
|Thursday, September 15th, 2005|
Wow.. yet again i havent updated for a while.. blah. but now that i have the computer in my room up and running hopefully i'll be updated even for frequently. but yah.. what to write about? i donno.. hmm.. life is good.. i do find myself to be "gitty" sometimes now, even as disgusting as that sounds. my depression isnt at its prime.. actually in the past week or so i havent really been that depressed. mabye because i met a new friend named Tess! ^_^ she is a very cool and very wonderfull person. mabye thats why i havent been depressed. what ever the reason i am grateful to have such a awesome person in my life. Current Mood: amused
|Friday, June 3rd, 2005|
Wow i havent updated for a while now. Well this could be due to my constant thinking. All i ever do now is ponder nonsense. Ponder the meaning of life and such. Ive came to some conclusions. I understand things most do not. To exist is to want happiness. To exist is to inturupt others existence. To defy.. to want.. to not want... I dont know.. well w/e it sounded alot better when it was still in my head. Current Mood: sleepy
|Thursday, April 28th, 2005|
Whoa.. havent updated for a while now.. well.. nothing really to say..sept... LIFE HAS BEEN HECTIC!!! pishaa... but oh well.. lol n_n all is well in the life of organizm. I met a girl named Heather and i think she likes me. i know i like her. and i will be taking her to the prom next month n_n hehehe prom... im not a prom kinda guy.. but hey.. got to score points somehow lol.. she has like 4 tattoos that i know of and like 3 piercings. i think thats hot! lol n_n neeeeed mooorre mountain dew!! lol gawd im hyper! super fast black metal blasting in my ears not helping! mwahahaha! oh well.. organizm OUT! Current Mood: hyper
|Monday, March 28th, 2005|
|A day is a day...
This morning i woke up to find myself breathing. Should i be happy for this? I am. I dyed my hair red this morning for no apparent reason. It didnt come out like i hoped yet, i like it. (God you must be really bored if you are reading this... anyway..) I have been drawing a lot more lately. More comic ideas flowing through my mind. I hope to finish my recent project sometime in the next month or so. Hopefully this one gets published. blah blah blah.. im really bored... o_o Current Mood: blah
|Wednesday, March 9th, 2005|
Wow a lot happened yesterday. I broke up with her. I lost myself.. physically and mentally. But i have found myself. My head is straight and i am back into the norm. Things seem to be moving along smoother irregardless if i miss her or not. Mabye one day we will get back together. But for now i dont really expect anything from her, only to remain close to her. Which she has allowed me to. I still love her very much. Time will tell.. Current Mood: exhausted
|Tuesday, March 8th, 2005|
Last sunday i went swimming with my girlfried.. omg she looks so good in a bathing suite... *drool* i should have brung a camera with me. hehe, she is so beaugtiful. How did somewone like me end up with somewone like her??? I dont think i'll ever figure out how. Ice skating saturday with her and mabye some of her friends. Im kinda nervious.. i used to play roller hockey about 2 years ago.. so i might not be used to the ice. Its gonna suck if i start to fall alot... err.. lol but who cares.. i'll be holding on to her the whole time so if i fall.. she falls too! XD! Current Mood: artistic
|Saturday, February 26th, 2005|
Wow.. I spent all friday night with my girlfriend til 12:20. We had watched a movie, but for most of the time we just spent it laying with each other. I dont think i have ever been this happy. I love her so, she makes me so happy. I feel like that big hole in my heart has been filled in with her love. I will never doubt her love for me again, because i know now that i can feel it. errr.. i have to go to work in like 5 minutes so, i end this with a "I love you my kitsune!" Current Mood: loved
|Thursday, February 24th, 2005|
|A few MB's of my mind
My girlfriend had just recently broken up with me. I really did'nt expect much from her, on account of she "did'nt trust me". I gave her my heart... yet she never took it. I still care about her as a friend. But, she has distanced herself from me. She blames me for her conclusion and wants no part of me in her life. How can she blame me for getting together with another after she left me. Like, is there a rule that you are suppose to wait a certain time in order to get together with someone else? Mabye i am in the wrong of doing such. Past is past... what can i do? Sheena, i still love you even if you dont want to be my friend. I shouldnt let this get to me. I am in love... i wont let anything spoil this. I dont really expect much from her either. This relationship feels a bit.. "different" and not in a bad way. Im not dumbstruck with love. I am my normal self with a splash of happiness. I dont think life could be any better than this. Right now, i am satisfied with my life. Im done with always feelings sorry for myself, hoping someone can see my pain. life is good and i value what is good in my life. I love you my Kitsune! Current Mood: I gots foxes in my mind
|Friday, February 18th, 2005|
It'a 11:13 right now and i'm still in school. I am SO BORED!!! I'm going to go see Constantine today so i'm koo... Who's gonna give me something to think about? Current Mood: bored
Its 7:53 am. It's raining hard over here. I love the sound of the rain, it's sound is bliss for me. My sis came over to cheer me up yesterday, got to hang out with her for a while. She is so cool. I lover her so much. I just wish as the older brother i would be the one to take care of her. I miss my girl friend a lot. Contact with her is cut slim now. I wish i could talk to her. I love her voice so much. Even more than the rain. This being said... my mood is "grateful". Current Mood: grateful
|Thursday, February 17th, 2005|
Today is the first entry in this journal. Unfortunately this entry is far from happy. Things happened last night, and due to these things i wont be able to talk to a lot of my friends. So if you are a friend reading this.. know why i haven't talked to you since. Irregardless of today being a "bad" day i have but only one thing on my mind. Her name is Sheena... Current Mood: blah..